“I wish I could fill in some sort of health and safety form that exempted me from going to lectures.”
“It’s a fuckin’ minefield of safety risks out there, I’ll concede.”
“A bee could fly into my mouth and sting my oesophagus.”
“You could fall victim to some extremist ideology and die in a shopkeeper-killing rampage.”
“I could get hit by a bus, or a plane could crash on the lecture theatre, or there could be a tidal wave.”
“The logical conclusion to this is a health and safety endorsement for you and several decades of food and fuel to be secured in a comet-proof bunker.”
“Sounds about right.”
“Of course, there are comets and there are comets. I reckon in order to be safe you and everything you want or need in life should be sealed within a solid 100km wall of tungsten in every direction.”
“Hmm.”
“Now, I don’t think we actually have that much tungsten on Earth, or even in the solar system, so we’re going to need to branch out. Essentially, what you need is a health & safety form that puts out in a clear and logical sequence of arguments that, rather than go to lectures, you should be supplied with the necessary resources and support to embark upon a campaign of galactic conquest.”

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