What is your name?

It’s polite to introduce yourself first, bro. Who’s asking?


Last week the lovely Cantrix and myself were being INTREPID and ADVENTUROUS by going on a stomp down the country lane near her place. It wasn’t originally intended to be particularly intrepid or adventurous, but owing to the torrential rain that characterises British summers, the path occasionally turned into Passchendaele-esque mudpits or, at one point, a river. Between this and the way the path narrowed to be about six inches across through foliage taller than her, we were feeling pretty intrepid by the end of it.

On the return walk, we discovered a grizzled chap hauling a bike up the path, and he found a decent enough place in the matted nettles and brambles to stand aside for us. I thanked him for his courtesy as we passed, and he offered up friendly comments about how nice it was to see young people out and about being all healthy and stuff.

Which segued seamlessly and cheerfully cheerfully into a tirade about how much he hated fat people who remained at home. And ugly people. Also people with tattoos. And piercings. Fat ugly tattooed pierced people who didn’t go on country walks. Peppered with praise for our clearly upstanding morals and superior physical forms, based on the fact that we’d gone on a one-kilometre stroll during a break in the rain.

This Kraft durch Freude-themed lunacy continued with him deciding we were going to have good children, and bring them up right with hill walks. Tall (there’s a 13” height difference between us) attractive children! He expressed pity for our parents, because we wouldn’t visit them in hospital (I think he was implying they were in hospital for being fat and ugly) once the cars and oil ran out; these vague apocalyptic meanderings quickly gained a religious component, though fortunately, he was chilled when I said I didn’t believe in God (“he believes in you”) and I was in turn chilled when he announced that he was a prophet sent by God (he had a black eye; being a prophet isn’t easy.)

After introducing himself (John), and wishing us long and happy lives, he admonished us a final time to ignore the blandishments of people tempting us to get rings in our eyebrows by telling us they’d improve our vision, and not get roses tattooed on our cheeks.

Cheshire is weirder than I was expecting. 

>Plug new flash drive into computer.
>Huh, there’s some preloaded thing?
>Kingston urDrive offers engaged, active storage that allows you to easily access and organize your files, photos, videos and music. Other features include a built-in Photo Viewer, Web browser, games and music player.
>Warning: Formatting will erase ALL data on this disk.

“The updater is updating itself so it can install an update. But it turns out it’s the wrong updater, so I had to update the Six Updater GUI in order to access the GUI to the updaterWHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING COMPLICATED? WHY?”
“Please don’t tell me that you need to find a fucking can opener to eat cans. Please. I’m all in favour of realism, up to a point.”
“Use your teeth! What are you, some kind of pussy? Swallow it whole. What’s the matter, your stomach acid can’t digest steel?”

[20:13:21] Demsale: OH HEY
[20:13:23] Demsale: TRIBES IS ON STEAM
[20:13:39] Hovercraft: it sure is
[20:14:09] Hovercraft: tribes: ass end
[20:14:23] Brosencrantz: INTEREST PIQUED
[20:14:58] Hovercraft: sadly I’m just being incredibly witty
[20:15:04] Hovercraft: the game doesn’t feature shapely rumps
[20:15:14] Hovercraft: …or does it?
[20:15:14] Brosencrantz: INTEREST FLACCID
[20:15:15] Hovercraft: james?
[20:15:27] Demsale: with some imagination i’m sure you could find some
[20:18:27] Hovercraft: this should keep you going jez http://i959.photobucket.com/albums/ae76/stew360/VANUPROPAGANDA2.png
[20:19:04] Hovercraft: note how it crosses over with your love of cartoons for little girls
[20:19:05] Brosencrantz: seen it
[20:19:18] Brosencrantz: that image predates the new MLP series
[20:19:21] Brosencrantz: there’s a whole set
[20:19:33] Hovercraft: is this what MLP is based on then?
[20:20:37] Brosencrantz: obviously
[20:21:22] Hovercraft: a cartoon designed to instil in little girls the value of friendship and a healthy interest in hunks
[20:21:23] Hovercraft: and their rumps
[20:21:32] Brosencrantz: I WATCH IT FOR THE PLOT

So, I ran myself through Akinator.

Is your character an adult man? YES
Is your character linked with sports? NO
Does your character live in England? YES
Does your character have children? NO
Has your character really existed? NO (The cunning djinn guesses it’s you in nothing flat if you don’t claim to be fictional.)
Is your character from a TV series? NO
Is your character a barbarian? PROBABLY NOT/NOT REALLY
Does your character use guns? I DON’T KNOW
Is your character part of an evil group? YES
Is your character found in a novel? YES (In the acknowledgements of several, thank you Mr Reeve.)
Is your character bad? PROBABLY/PARTIALLY
Is your character the main character of the work in which he appears? YES
Does your character have a famous quote? I DON’T KNOW
Does your character live with his mother? NO (well, I’ll be moving back in with the folks in a couple of weeks, but…)
Has your character ever been in a movie? NO
Is your character a human being? PROBABLY/PARTIALLY
Has your character been into the future? NO
Does your character rub shoulders with vampires? NO
Does your character drive a car? NO
Is your character linked with drugs? NO

I don’t know how to respond to this.

A fun example of Craven Nice Guy Bullshit that my friend Emma had to deal with lately (after some random wanker off the same IR masters she’s doing next year added her on facebook.)

Name has been redacted to protect the, uh… guilty.

Shitbird: can I ask some questions please?
EmmaYes, of course.
ShitbirdAre you British? Are u student? if, yes, which faculty/college? I have got offer at Birmingham University. but I am student in Malaysia now, and the last one are you married please?
EmmaYes I am British and a student. I’m currently in the arts and law school sitting my final year exams for my BA, but am switching to the polsis school next year for my masters. No, I am not married.
Shitbird: that is good, you made me happy, „ what is your plan after doing master? have you thought about to leave UK for spend your live and getting job? have you ever thought about get married with non-British person? „ I hope I do not make you upset, because these questions are quite privacy, thanks
EmmaI hadn’t completely decided on my plans after my masters, either some sort of work abroad or a PhD probably. Several of my friends are not British citizens so I don’t have a bias either, I’ll marry who I end up marrying I suppose. What are you currently studying?
Shitbirdsorry I did not get your massage in this sentence ( I’ll marry who I end up marrying I suppose) would you be specific please, well I am doing Master degree in Strategic and international relations, this is my first semester,
Shitbirdsorry second, semester,
EmmaSimply that I haven’t got a criteria list per se in regard to whom I marry
Shitbirdevery body has some criteria, but one different from other, just tell me some of them which might you have? please„ would you let me some time I wanna to think about some things, can you tell me when you will complete your BA please…
Shitbirdplease tell me, How old are you?

At which point she stopped replying.