Slovenia: Good dancing with cyborg electro violin, forgettable music.
France: Your wine-drinking aunty sings about devastated computer graphics from the 1990s, accompanied by naked Napoleonic drummers.
Israel: 90s rockabillies sing about cheating on their girlfriends (“pull me baby you’re my trigger, you know that my love is bigger”)
Eesti: Monochrome couple sing glum ballad about smiling to dogs and staring naked at phones.
UK: Caravan Palace knockoffs neon it up. At least it’s not a ballad.
Armenia: Purple witches’ coven sing incredibly overt genocide allegory. It is as happy as you would expect. Good lightwork though. (They could have replaced that with “Fuck you Turkey, even the Pope is on our side” and it would have been no less subtle.)
Lithuania: I like her dress, but that’s about it. It feels like they cut away from the double gay kiss pretty quickly to avoid annoying the Russians.
Serbia: Po-faced fat acceptance ballad explodes into a dubstep burlesque show. Just what Eurovision should be.
Norway: But what did he actually DO?
Sweden: Smug man in casual top and bondage trousers, accompanied by creepy marching Pinnochio legion, takes it way too seriously.
Cyprus: Sad hipster song which would be perfectly at home in a Starbucks but, as with every ballad, is a completely missed opportunity for a massive gay breakdance party.
Australia: Fantastically in the spirit of it, we should’ve invited these people sooner. What? It’s hardly worse than Israel!
Belgium: Minimalist creepy robot twinks want to rap-pa-bab tonight.
Austria: I think they’re pretty determined to avoid winning twice in a row. They did, however, set their piano on fire.
Greece: DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA BALLAD /wrists
Germany: Cell Block Tango with all the charm replaced by searchlights.
Poland: A forgettable ballad under the sakura. Impressed at the tailoring involved in making a dress which works with a wheelchair, though.
Latvia: Literally the only good part of this was the title.
Romania: I… actually sort of like this.
Spain: why did they subtitle “EEEieEEO” translated into “EEEieEEO”
Hungary: FUCK OFF/Wait, giant tree of guns, I’m happier now!/I take it back again, this is absolute shite, go away.
Georgia: AND YOU THOUGHT THE UNIRONIC GOTHIC POWER BALLAD WAS EXTINCT? HAHAHA, FOOLS [tears of molten lead drip down from massive kohl eyes]
Azerbaijan: total eclipse of the care. At least we have half-naked people gyrating in dry ice.
Russia: “don’t mention the war please don’t mention the war”
Albania: The best thing about that song was the flag.
Italy: Little quiffed fops singing far too dramatically in front of classical sculptures and somehow making it work. How very Italian.